Tags
bipolar, disappointment, dx, health, mental illness, testing
The lab results are in: my endocrine levels are normal. Testosterone is on the high level of normal, but still within the expected range. I do not have PCOS.
Hope crumbles, just like old stonework…
Half of me is relieved – I don’t have to add a new medication or make further lifestyle adaptations (that I ought to do anyway). The other half is terribly disappointed. For two weeks, I had clung to the slender hope that perhaps something else was wrong, that I’m not really bipolar, that my issues were primarily hormonal. If I wasn’t really bipolar, I could drop out of DBT and quit therapy with a clear conscience. It would have taken some mental readjustment to remove all traces of the bipolar dx from my identity, but I was quite willing to take on that challenge.
But no. I’m still bipolar. Still mentally ill. Still crazy.
For the most part, I’m not surprised. Even if they had diagnosed me with PCOS, I would have expected the bipolar dx to stick as well. There are very few alternate explanations for manic symptoms, particularly if you don’t do coke (I never have.)
So my life will remain forever complicated by bipolar disorder. I will still have 7 or 8 appointments each month for mental health services for some time to come. I will still have to swallow a handful of pills and supplements every day. I will still have to manage my lifestyle carefully to avoid destabilization. It’s a pain but at least I know what I’m up against.
Oy, I have made it a policy NOT to say “I know what you’re going through,” because that’s impossible, but I know of something like it: really, REALLY wanting something else, something FIXABLE, to be the matter. NOT bipolar. NOT “crazy.” Just any old diagnosable, treatable, PHYSICAL illness that shows up on an x-ray or a lab test.
Sending you lots of good juju,
Laura
Thanks, Laura. It’s weird to feel like you want yet another thing to be wrong with you, but really, it’s just wanting an explanation for an assortment of symptoms. Ideally something that’s not stigmatized. Ideally something that can be reliably treated.
The biggest disappointment is that not being diagnosed as insulin resistant (I’d guess that I’m actually subclinically insulin resistant) means that there will be no treatment that might help with blood sugar stabilization and weight loss. That’s a real bummer. I had really hoped for a little help with that. Only drastically cutting calories and massively increasing exercise levels way beyond what is generally suggested or recommended makes it possible for me to lose weight. That kind of work is a half-time job in itself, which is why I haven’t made much progress on that front in recent years.
I I know it would have been great if the outcome would have been better. But you seem to be pretty stable as far as your bipolar disorder goes. So there will be no adjustment period, nothing new to get used to. It is just a part of who you are and thank God you have medicine and skills to stay under control. hugs
Yes, relative stability is definitely a good thing! And nothing new to get used to is also a good outcome. It’s all in the perspective.
I’m so happy to hear you don’t have POCS. The thing is, yes, you will have to manage your life to prevent destabilization and that sux there is no doubt about it. However, remember that your bi polar forms a crucial part or foundation for the things you like about yourself i.e. like how ‘wicked smart’ you are. Deedee you cannot be brilliant without a downside I’m afraid. I’m afraid talent and your analytical gifts cannot come for free. You focus on all that you
ARE
and not what you want yourself to be, please. There is so much there that needs to be celebrated and that’s what you need to do everyday. I think that a good thing for you to do will be to keep a grateful diary that celebrates you life as it is right now which is quite good from what I’ve been reading. As naff as it sounds, it works. Write down 3 things that you are grateful for that happened during the day. I know I sound like a school teacher but I know, I’ve been through it. It’s very important for you to keep it real. Not everybody has talent babe. You do. You have nothing to change you just need to optimize everything that works for you in being you and not wish for another version of yourself which would still have strengths and weaknesses that you’d have to contend with.
Thanks, Maree. Yes, everything has been going pretty well lately. May tends to be a very good month for me, and this year is no exception. I do try to keep in mind that there is much to be thankful for, and I think I manage to avoid overlooking those things most of the time.
That’s great and remember create, create, create. It doesn’t matter whether its food, music or whatever puts you deeply in touch with your creativity at its deepest level. It could be business for you if you are good with numbers. The ability to plumb the depths of our emotions and then translate that into art is an inherent strength of most bi-polar people. You do a great job with your writing but see if there’s anything else in there trying to get out.
That’s so great that you don’t have PCOS. I have it and it’s not fun having to take additional meds along with their side effects. I can totally understand that hope that it would be the dx that would eliminate bipolar. Unfortunately, the bipolar dx stuck for me as it’s clear to my doctors that I have both. I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2009, but it wasn’t until earlier this year that my psychiatrist and therapist were positive after observing everything for the last few years. Thankfully the meds for PCOS have helped it completely and I’m no longer having the problems with it as I was before. Now, if only the bipolar could work like that…
I’m glad you’re finding some relief from PCOS symptoms! But more meds is not fun, that’s for sure.
It took quite a bit of time to get the diagnosis of ADD along with bipolar. With all of the overlapping symptoms, it was initially a question of MDD+ADD (original dx’s) vs just bipolar vs bipolar+ADD. Being off ADD meds for 9 months made it obvious that the stimulants weren’t causing manic symptoms, but didn’t verify that manic symptoms were separate from ADD. Confusing business…
Your levels can be normal and still have PCOS – most doctors don’t know how to test it properly. I had to travel to NY to see an expert after years of Boston doctors telling me my levels were “in the normal range” except my testosterone was a little elevated. Normal range doesn’t mean normal.
Yeah, my PNP clearly gets that, but oddly the gynecologist didn’t seem convinced – if my periods aren’t irregular, then I don’t have PCOS, was her estimation. I’ve always been very regular, but a lot of other symptoms fit.
I’m having an ultrasound next week to see if that turns anything up.
Good luck to you – it is a frustrating and challenging road to say the least.
99.999% of the doctors in the Boston area treat the cysts and the infertility when/if you get to the point of wanting children, only but not the symptoms – hair loss, hair growth, weight gain, acne and the stress of dealing with all of these issues that bother women so much. Dr. Geoffrey Redmond (NYC) was a godsend for us. .