It’s a dull, gray day. I’m feeling similarly. I even put on my lightbox this morning. Twice.
I can’t help worrying. My anxiety levels have steadily been climbing since returning from the north woods. Everything builds up until I can’t stand it anymore. On a good day, I just go merrily about my business. On a less good day, it all freaks me out. I keep trying to get my life in order, and it keeps not happening. After awhile, I feel like it can never be accomplished; might as well just give up on the whole thing.
Whale vertebrae at a special exhibit at the Montréal Biodôme. The bones are trapped by circumstances not of their making behind an artistically interpreted protective fence.
One of the big things I wanted to do on my vacation was get a few things in order around the house. I didn’t really get very far with that, and now it’s distressing to think about all those things that still need doing. I didn’t write any blog posts to queue up for this week (so that I could focus more on work when I’m supposed to be working.) I haven’t done my DBT homework for tonight yet. I have a pile of blog posts to read and respond to. The reusable container cupboard is an overflowing mess. The “bar” is layered with half-finished craft projects – a sweater that needs blocking, prescription bottles intended to be transformed into a pen/pencil organizer, materials for the T-shirt quilt. A basket of stuff I intend to list on Etsy is still sitting on the piano bench, weeks later. Everything has a rather thick layer of dust on it.
But I did do things this weekend. My to-do list for yesterday looks like this:
- put away backpacking gear (mostly done)
- DBT homework
- clean out container cupboard
catch up on periodicalsclean out returnables- Etsy listing
- enter bird data
- blog posts
I also ordered some things that we needed around the house – backup batteries for our water purifier, replacement cartridges for the water pre-filter, new cushions for our outdoors chairs, a dog brush. I cleaned out a little email and read a few blog posts. I notified someone at my new workplace that I’ll be available to meet this week. I entered my May mood data into a spreadsheet. I met with my supervisors about my postdoc. I did stuff, just not the stuff on the list. I do that a lot, and then I get frustrated about it.
My to-do list for today looks like this:
- Look up CSA start date
- Log food (I’m counting calories again)
- Journal article copyright paperwork
- DBT homework
- Submit dissertation for award competition
- Postdoc planning
- Send dissertation chapter to supervisor #1
- Update CV
- Send CV to supervisor #2
- Set up work tracking system
- Pull books for writing group member to borrow
I’m sure that’s not all I need to do. In fact, I know that there’s much more that should be getting done. I keep track of my to-do items with productivity management software (OmniFocus, I love it!) and keep having to reschedule due dates.
I know I’m my own source of stress. I know I make lists that have too much on them. But sometimes I can knock out the whole list before 3 PM. And sometimes I can only get one or two things done. That’s more than a little frustrating.
There’s no real point to any of this, except to say that my mood is down (44 on Moodscope this morning, unlike the rather high May scores) and anxiety is up. I’m sure this will pass, but whether or not it’s true, it feels like I’ll never ever get caught up on anything.
I understand that situation emensely. Thing is that is how I am a lot but it doesn’t seem like you at all. But your list is long plus what may be underlying is that you feel like everything must be done before the big change comes.. the big job! If I were you I would not treat that whole list like it is a list of things that contains things that are urgent, emergencies! You need a sub-list and start with things that HAVE to be done, not those things that do need to be done pretty soon.I think it is neet you have this all computerized!!! I am really into lists and prioritizing lol. Somehow you need to reassure yourself that you are getting things done, yet not getting overwelmed by it. That will just grow more anxiety and you don’t need that right now. Anyway, just a thought. Oh and the rest of the list become the “new list” to be done at your pace.Good luck!!
Well, part of the challenge is that the non-work stuff rarely has to get done, strictly speaking. But after awhile, stuff like the damn container cupboard start to drive me up the wall.
Organizing and prioritizing are not my strongest skills, due in large part to cognitive deficits from bipolar and ADD. But I keep trying. Not much else to do about it!
Hang in there, Dee Dee. It’s a matter of time. Being on the low side is such a drag when one is used to being a high-ish side, knock-it-all-out type. For now, keep it between the ditches, get the essential stuff done, and let the lower priority tasks wait for the mood-o-meter to swing back up again.
Sending you good energy from my end of the universe,
Laura
I hear ya. I’m managing to keep up with the essentials. Today is one of those days where the anxiety is breathing down my neck and I can’t seem to stop crying for more than a half hour at a time. Just now, that’s particularly frustrating and distressing because I’d like to get a strong start with the new job. But so it goes…
I actually got through all my minimum requirement tasks for the day, save one that is waiting on input from someone else. Maybe that means it’s time to go work on my bipolar triggers worksheets for therapy. Or write another blog post and relieve the anxiety of not having that little corner of life in order.
Sometimes you just need a day off. It’s OK to give yourself a day off. You do more on a bad day than I do on a good day. Maybe you just need a day to relax and read or something. Be nice to yourself – you deserve it!
Well, that’s the thing – I just had a month off, and this is day 2 of the new job. So it seems a bit premature to take the day off!