Tags
complication, dysfunctional, internal, mental illness, objectivity, perfectionism, shame, therapy
A couple comments that Hippie Dude (my therapist) made during recent therapy sessions keep rolling around in my brain. Like those Chinese balls with chimes inside them, softly making noises every time I turn my head. They just won’t get out, and I’m not entirely sure what, if anything, to make of them. Not everything that therapists say is loaded with meaning.
Sometimes therapy makes me feel like my chair is suddenly icing over.
Setting proper context for this would take more patience than you or I have, but the gist of it is that we were discussing what triggers my mood episodes. Everything is good at home; I have a good job; I have an amazing husband and we have none of the usual risk factors for relationship problems; and so on, and so on.
My thinking immediately jumped to shame: I have a good life and no real reason to feel bad, so I’m bad for feeling bad. It’s completely automatic, even though I know it’s dysfunctional thinking, and then I feel bad for dysfunctional thinking, and so on, and so on in the usual ruminant spiral. But Hippie Dude caught my attention with what he said next:
It’s all internal with you, isn’t it?
Yes, I guess it is. There aren’t very many external triggers in my day-to-day life and the only person being cruel to me is myself. The biochemical stuff is internal too; I don’t control it, although I can influence it with lifestyle choices.
A couple weeks later, we were discussing my issues with perfectionism and somehow that segued into a recap of therapy-so-far. It’s been just over a year, and I’ve finally gotten (mostly) comfortable with Hippie Dude and actually being in therapy. I asked the unfair question of how well I was doing, and his answer – to paraphrase – was this:
Not to trivialize the problems of anyone else I see, but you’re complicated.
He made the motion of a sine curve with his hand. I’m not affectively flat; I’m not always depressed; I’m not always manic. Yep, that’s about right. It’s complicated, and it’s all internal.
This all ties together, and with other things. I can’t begin to draw a picture of it yet. It’s like mental vertigo – I just can’t get a grip on what’s going on because so many things have bubbled up at once. What I do realize and am now starting to admit is that there’s a whole crate of creepy crawlies in my cranium, and they’re figuring out how to escape, so I can’t ignore them anymore.
The cozy blankets of denial are all being brutally ripped off at once, and I’m afraid of what will happen when everyone sees me naked and vulnerable. If I’m going to find any peace of mind, however, it seems to be unavoidable.
I’m glad that you are feeling more comfortable with your therapists and that you are opening up about these things. xx
Yeah, I guess it can take a lot of time. Vulnerability is among my issues, so it’s not all that surprising that it’s taking me extra-long to get anywhere near comfortable with it!
The thing that helped me with internal criticism and negativity was learning to show myself compassion. Would that be an option you’d consider? It is hard at first but if you keep at it you’ll notice you get kinder to yourself.
How astute!
Yes, this is something I’m starting to work on. Among the books in my “to read ASAP” pile is one on self-compassion (plus one on bipolar, another on worry, and a third on perfectionism!)
It’s hard for me to evaluate whether the criticism is merited or not. Partly it’s because my own standards are severely out of whack, so I probably have to work on that a bit more too. No shortage of self-improvement to be had around here!
Haha, I was the same way with the perfectionism and being really hard on myself. Then I read books on mindfulness for perfectionists (Present Perfect), one on self compassion (The Mindful Way to Self Compassion..I think was the title), and one on mindfulness in general from Jon Kabit-Zinn. I’m very much a supporter of the mindfulness movement going on in mental health. It’s sufficiently secular for most people to accept and quite simple…but not easy! I worked on it with a psychologist, not all on my own.
I just got a “Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction Workbook” for Christmas from my brother, so I think that will be a good start, coupled with a bit more reading on perfectionism.
There’s a Zen Buddhist temple in my town and they hold daily meditations during the school year near my house, but I just haven’t made it enough of a priority in quite awhile. Something about the group sitting meditation works well for me.
Holy cow…….the whole ‘creepy crawlies in the cranium trying to get out’ (and being afraid of what could happen if they do) is EXACTLY what I feel, even though I can’t articulate it as well. Thanks for telling it like it is!
You know, it’s hard for me to say even here (or to myself!) that there’s more wrong than just the biochemical stuff. But apparently there is – it’s just taken me a really long time to figure that out. And even longer to admit to it…
I miss my therapist. My situation was different when I was seeing her though, I was happy at work, but at home, my life was a shambles. I finally changed my situation and I still suffer from it when I should be perfectly happy. I have yet to love myself because of that internal creepy crawly within. Good for you for being comfortable with your therapist! keep it up!
It’s never to late to try to expel the creepy crawlies! You might be able to find another good therapist to help you work out whatever is bothering you, for example. Keep it up yourself!
“My thinking immediately jumped to shame: I have a good life and no real reason to feel bad, so I’m bad for feeling bad. It’s completely automatic, even though I know it’s dysfunctional thinking, and then I feel bad for dysfunctional thinking, and so on, and so on in the usual ruminant spiral.” Very relatable.
Sadly so. It made me cringe to write it, but that’s the thought train continually spinning around in the back of my head most of the time…
I worked as a therapist with a psychiatrist who once said, “If the can of worms is too great, don’t take the lid off.”
Of course, he was talking about the importance of understanding our super-ego, what I like to call the, “let go of my EGO!”
But over the years, coming into my own as a Christian, I’ve seen this principle transform into something else –
If life is too unbearable at times, turn to Psalm 91:1 – “He who dwells in the secret place of the most high shall abide in the SHADOW of the Almighty.”
If we’re too wrapped up in only ourselves then, for insight, we’ll miss all the Heavenly protection which comes when in relationship with the Lord.
OK, um, deep? Actually, it couldn’t be any simpler – let go, let God has worked for me and, I hope it’ll work for others as well and, if not, then find a bigger God cause, up to ourselves, we’re just not big enough for our problems.
I am glad that you find comfort in your faith. Organized religion is not my thing, but I do have my own way of connecting to something larger than myself. It helps me keep things in perspective.
I’ve been reading a book by Brene’ Brown all about shame and the part it plays in our dysfunction. There is also a TED video of her talking about it…I think it may be helpful for you. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html
You have learned so much about yourself in the past year. I’ve found my own journey to be full of twists and turns since I was diagnosed 3 years ago with bipolar. We are seekers. It takes courage, discipline, tenacity, and structure to live our life. Keep on…
Oh, how funny – I *just* read her book on wholehearted living and the one about “I thought it was just me” is waiting to be read next! Her TED talk is incredible. Actually, I think she might have two of them? I saw the one about wholeheartedness, so I might have missed the one you sent – thanks!