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breeders, change, crying, depressed, Facebook, friends, friendship, judgment, lonely, loss, sad, Teddy Ruxpin, transitions
A friend – inasmuch as we’ve had dinner together once and been following one another on Twitter for about 5 years – tweeted a link to a NYT article about making friends in your 30′s onward some time ago. I identified all too well. In general, 30-somethings just run out of the kind of close friends that we really do rely upon, if we don’t pay attention to “restocking” our supply.
Unlike the study reported in the Times, I haven’t grown closer to the few friends I’ve retained. I barely keep in contact because I refuse to subject myself to Facebook, which is apparently the only way that anyone wants to exchange information anymore. Facebook is stressful to me and makes me anxious and paranoid, but opting out means I’m continually left out. Out of sight, out of mind. Well, except for one BFF who actually sent me an email to let me know she’s got a new job…at Facebook.
Are they really friends? I love these people so much, but we no longer have active relationships. I know I’m just as much at fault for being too busy, for moving away from them, for phone avoidance, etc. So I blame myself for being so self-absorbed in grad school for the last 7 years, and conclude that my once-upon-a-time friends have simply forgotten me.
Like the ones for whom kids are the most important thing in the world. I hate finding out that a good friend is pregnant. I make all the socially appropriate responses and I’m pleased that she’s happy, but as soon I’m by myself, I start sobbing because I’ve essentially lost yet another friend. I get it, I really do; family comes first and I respect that, but their bundle of joy is a nuclear bomb on our friendship. They are good parents who now have more important things to do. This scenario just plays out again and again. I’ve tried to keep in touch; they are too absorbed by parenting to reciprocate. Our worlds are too different now and they will only continue to diverge.
As the Times article points out, it’s getting harder to have the right ingredients for good friendships: proximity, serendipitous interactions, and space to be adequately comfortable to let your guard down. It’s my fault on proximity – we moved away from everyone we loved, and never replaced our friends with new local acquaintances. After all, we’re only here temporarily, until I get a “real” job. That’s temporary as in 5 years and counting. Yeah.
Teddy Ruxpin by Wade Tregaskis, CC BY-NC.
Of course, it’s also my own fault for becoming so isolated – it was a necessary sacrifice to achieve my goals. But now I’ve dug a hole so deep that I can’t see how to climb out of it, nor am I even sure that I should leave my little cave anymore. I’m too afraid of rejection to try to develop new friendships. I carry around too much hurt already.
And letting my guard down? Ha! Maybe I’m just oversensitive, but I endured a lot of rejection as a kid just for being myself. For example, around 27 years ago, I nervously asked Katie Murphy if she wanted to be friends because I needed reassurance that the sentiment was mutual. She turned around and said,
What are you, Teddy Ruxpin?
I never asked someone if they wanted to be friends again.
Write what you feel: Sad, lonely, angry – regretting even thinking about friends loved and lost. Frustrated and judging myself very harshly for not being asleep yet, for not trying harder to keep up with friends, for being sad, for crying again. Just drug me up and stick me in a corner. Eternally grateful for Mr. Chickadee’s loving companionship.
Oh, sweet pea. . . It’s an ugly world sometimes, but don’t give up hope. There are a few good eggs who love you lots, and those eggs are worth a whole carton of the other kind!
Thanks, dear – I know I’ve got a few good friends. It’s just hard some days.
It’s no doubt a tough world out there. I’ve already, now in my late twenties, distanced myself from people. But loneliness isn’t the way to go, I know it. Gotta keep family close and friends close too as much as possible.
Glad you have Mr Chickadee – wishing you eternal happiness with him!
I’m glad for the Mr. too – he’s definitely my best friend. I’d be lost without him!
Such a great post – and so timely. Thanks for the article link as well. Everyone feels the pain of having their friend pool shrink…but it’s magnified more when you’re Bipolar (just like everything else!
) This is something I have been struggling to make my doctors and husband understand. After a certain age, you can’t just ‘go out and make friends.’ And, that age is waaaay younger than most of us would like to think! Add a dash of Bipolar to the mix… there are days when the very last thing I am capable of is socializing. I feel everything you do, DeeDee. Sad, angry & lonely. Moving across the planet and introducing a language barrier didn’t help my situation, but all of the friends I had in Seattle during the last five years except for one have moved on. Modern life just isn’t very kind to social circles, is it.
It’s true, the more recent social trend of moving more often is definitely a challenge to maintaining long-term friendships. I find it daunting to think of committing to the kind of effort required to go out and start new friendships. It’s not like I don’t know how to do it, it’s just such a huge investment and I feel like I sink all the energy that would otherwise go into normal socializing instead into therapy and psychiatric stuff. Not enough energy for both, at least not lately.
Wait until you reach 40!! I wrote a piece last week that I thought you might like, well the quote at the end at least
Reblogged this on A LAPSED CATHOLIC.
Hey DeeDee – I can definitely relate to what you are saying. I have myself found that it is sometimes easier to avoid some people in order not to get hurt. At the same time I have been hurt for being myself – the being wacky and throwing around a bunch of crazy jokes can sometimes be taken the wrong way, while at the same time I keep people laughing the weird looks and being casted out also occurs.
Thanks for the post, as many times they bring up some self reflection to my own life – this one specifically makes me look are how grateful I should be to have the few meaningful people in my life that really matter.
Yeah, sometimes it’s easier to just avoid people and therefore avoid the hurt, but we all need some kind of social contact. I know I need more social support than I’ve been getting, but I’m strangely wary about reaching out.
I could have written this post! I can relate… I am so far away from my friends and haven’t replaced them with new ones who are more local (I moved from Massachusetts to Kansas 6 years ago). I feel like I can’t be myself around people here. The culture is so different that I feel as though I’m in a completely different country. It gets lonely- but I’m glad to have my husband. He’s my best friend and he understands my ways!
Luckily moving from Michigan to Upstate New York wasn’t that much of a cultural shift. There’s quite a large swathe of gritty northern blue-collar post-Industrial Rust Belt cities.
When I started my grad program, I was glad because I had all new friends built in. But some of them have graduated, and I’ve graduated, and even though I haven’t moved away (again) yet, it’s like I have no one at all anymore.
Except my hubby – definitely my best friend too!
Very well put! Far too often you write things that resonate so deeply within me and mirror what I’m currently experiencing. And that’s great! but it also makes me leave really long comments…
As a grad student, I also have the “this is temporary” mindset, so its been difficult for me to invest in making real connections with people instead just having colleagues who i attend department social gatherings with. My first year, I made 2 good friends–my officemate & my neighbor–and they both moved within 2 weeks of one another. Since then, its been difficult for me to decide whether or not to make friends. There is emotional risk & a level of commitment that has to be made when making a new friend because they’re not going to become your “BFF” overnight. Adding avoidance, lack of trust, social awkwardness, time restraints, and a million other things doesn’t help. So then all of that gets turned inward and the whole guilt/depression/self-loathing cycle starts. It’s exhausting! And it’s much like dating (which I HATE). My therapist encouraged me to lean on the friendships I have already developed and nurture them, so I can still have the benefits of rich friendships while attempting to develop new ones. As hard and as scary as it is for me to come out of myself and reach for others, it has been very rewarding for many reasons, just as I’m sure it was rewarding when you invested in your relationship with Mr. Chickadee. The people who love you forever cannot be separated by even a nuclear bomb. There may be periods of radio silence, but they are always on the other end because that’s what true blue friends do. But none of that can happen if you dont start somewhere.
Thanks for commiserating – it’s just a hard, complicated thing, isn’t it? And that grad school mindset of things being “temporary” just doesn’t help. I mean, when we first moved here, we literally didn’t bother getting involved in anything because it was only going to be 5 years (now 7). I guess we underestimated just how long 5 years really is.
In my forties, and in the middle of a midlife crisis, I did a “friend-assessment” three years ago and decided that there was really no one… not my friends from high school, not the parents of my child’s friends…. that i felt close to. In fact, I have really looked at the toll my bipolar disorder and ptsd have taken on a lifetime of friendships and it’s severe. I’ve never allowed myself to get “bff close” to anyone for fear of them rejecting my weakness in the form of my ever-changing moodscape. My therapist seemed a bit worried to find out, a couple of weeks ago, that I’d never had a best friend. I’ve had many friends, but never a “bestie.”
And It’s not that my friends haven’t known anything about my moods… i just haven’t wanted to “impose” them on anyone. When I’m depressed, crawling into a cave, alone, and not being called out by anxious friends seems preferable to me since I’m sure that trying to call me out of my hibernations is tiresome….and likely to result in the loss of friendships anyway. So I’ve kept my distance….. and then one day i looked around and found i was really and truly alone.
I opted out of facebook first. It was too tempting to want to rant there when i was hypomanic and feeling suicidal. (Lamictal made me cycle very fast..and painfully. Thankfully, I’m off of it now.) Then I started finding that I had a fast-generalizing fear of participating in any online forum. I stopped answering my phone. I didn’t know what to tell people. “Hello, yes, I AM a jerk for not calling/emailing/inquiringafteryourchildailingmothernewjob but i’m just so very self-absorbed and, well, messily emo.”
After a while the phone stopped ringing. Even my parents have nearly given up on my answering the phone or emails. Add to this a horrible marriage with numbered days and my only child now in college and i see the endless days of solitude stretching out in front of me from now until the grave. I have no idea how to begin creating that fabled “essential support network,” but I am keenly aware that it might save my life to do so.
I’m right with you on not wanting to impose my moods on anyone else. And I often can’t handle much social interaction at all when I’m feeling down. When I’m really worked up and want to call someone is the point where it goes to pieces, because there’s no one who would be “ready” to hear me.
I also quit Facebook some time back – makes me paranoid. Lamictal also made me have very fast, sharp cycles, until I got to the right dosage, thank goodness.
I don’t get personal calls at all anymore; maybe 3 or 4 per year? Unfortunately, that’s the way I like it, but I’ve become very isolated from my family, living so far away and really not being comfortable with random phone conversations. I can handle email – no choice about that anyway – but that’s about it anymore.
Ask you therapist where to start with rebuilding your support network – classes, organized public events, and the like, can all be good opportunities to meet people in a structured environment with relatively clear expectations of social behavior. I find that much better in terms of setting the stage for something that’s comfortable enough for me but also gets me out interacting with new people. And then if you happen to meet some people you like, well, you can take it from there.
Reblogged this on Little Blue Suitcase and commented:
Disorderly Chickadee’s post about Mid-Life Friendships was thought-provoking for me, since I’m on the brink of turning 30.
I’ve spent most of my 20s in Kansas, away from my close friends in Massachusetts. I’ve missed countless drink rounds, Karaoke nights and midnight Dunkin’ Donut runs with my besties. Now we’re too old for that stuff.
My husband and I are planning to move from Kansas to the Boston area shortly after my 30th birthday this May. We’ll be closer to our best friends- which is great, but I know things won’t be the same. There are many reasons why we won’t be able to get together as often as we’d like, including kids, master’s degrees, working long hours to pay the mortgage, or long distance job opportunities.
Can you other 30-somethings relate? Have you and your friends grown apart in your 30s? If not, what do you do to maintain your friendships?
Thanks for the reblog!
My hubby often reminds me of how nice it was back in Michigan with all our family close. The problem is that the only job/s I could try for there are nothing short of meat-grinder brutal, and I don’t want to do that to myself!
Going back definitely wouldn’t be the same. In fact, I can’t really imagine it just now; it would seem so weird.
I felt the same way you did in my late 20s and 30s. It is only recently that I have allowed myself to really have friends. Slowly and carefully. I still struggle with going out but I try. Small steps eh?
Yeah, it’s basically been this way since I moved. I had a great local social network in Michigan, but everything that made that possible just doesn’t work that way in Upstate New York.
Small steps, right. I am thinking about yoga classes. Maybe I’ll start going to Ravelry meetups again – did that for a little while when I first moved here but it didn’t take long before I was working 7 day weeks to keep up with coursework and couldn’t make time for that anymore. Wish I had, though.
It’s heartbreaking, I know. When I was a little girl, a “friend” told me that the reason people didn’t like me was because I cried. So I cried. And she said “like that.” Jerk.
I have only a couple of close “real-life” friends, and one of them lives in another state. I recently lost a more recent friendship that had gotten close quickly until she found a new boyfriend. Bam. Hang in there. You’re smart and sensitive and you have a good heart (I can tell that from reading your posts). You’ll find new friends.
Thanks, Alice. I’ve always been a bit guarded – I make friends easily, but “good friends” are super-rare. Right now all my friends are sort of colleagues or coworkers too, and that’s a bit awkward for wanting to have a real girlfriend.
Most of my close “real-life” friends live over 500 miles away. I almost never have contact with the two who have kids – they just never reply anyway. The other, well, she’s bipolar too! We get together whenever we make the long trek to Michigan and have occasional electronic contact.
The thing that really gets me is that if you’re not on Facebook, you’re pretty much shunned because you’re not “easy” to contact. I’d have daily contact with those people – if I could handle Facebook without overwhelming paranoia.
I am the same with Facebook! Can’t do it.
Friendships are so hard to find. The good ones can help so much, but the bad ones can hurt too much.
Wish you the best with finding your way.
Thanks, Lunch – I can’t do Facebook either.
A good friend is so valuable, but it’s a shifting scene. Some friends exeunt, stage left, while someone else enters, stage right. I get lost in the middle of that scene change, I guess. Maybe someday I’ll figure it out. Maybe not.
(((((HUGS))))) to you, DeeDee. You’ve put into eloquent words what a lot of us have gone through, yet not known how to articulate nor even really understood.
I have a huge assortment of friends, both IRL and online, but no one “bestie” since I was in my 20s (and that was a looooong time ago). I’ve never sat down and analyzed it closely, but it’s always been something of a mystery to me that I haven’t formed best-bud relationships since I was very young.
I suppose it has something to do with my bipolar, as I have a fear of making commitments on which I might not be able to follow through. I used to race around making reckless promises to volunteer for this, help with that, pay for the other thing, etc. and left a lot of disappointed people in my wake. I know better than to do that anymore, but at the same time I tend to view IRL friendships in a similar way—they require maintenance that I may or may not be able to keep up. I love having friends in the abstract; it’s the real thing I cannot handle, and that saddens me.
I’ve been fortunate to have a good husband, an older sister who lives with us, and great adult children who fill the void very nicely for the most part. Besides, they know that the term “manic-depressive” describes me perfectly, and they love me anyway…….they don’t have unrealistic expectations of me like other people might.
OK, I’ve run on too long. Thank you for another excellent post, DeeDee.
Thanks! Yeah, the fear of commitments I may not be able to keep probably plays in to some degree. But like you, I have lots of friends – just no one really close. And the ones who are most likely and most receptive live far, far away. That’s the part that makes me really sad – I could manage having a couple of close friends, but they just aren’t where I am.
I am 29 and I have been seeing the same things in my life. Sometimes for parents it is the same way. Especially young parents. Their friends abandon them for drunken nights out never calling to invite someone out because they have children. But in all honesty I believe that you can make new friends who share your same interests somehow. I met a lot of people on Facebook… I know a lot of them are just acquaintances but the others are truly some great people in my life. It gets better. I think.
Yeah, I can see the new parents’ side of it being similar – but they got a baby out of the deal, and that’s what they wanted. And there’s a lot of social structure that builds up around nuclear families that doesn’t make a whit of difference for couples without kids.
I’m not going to be meeting new people on Facebook (or anyone for that matter – I can’t handle Facebook) but I’m thinking I might try to find yoga classes…
I can really relate to this and have been struggling with this as well at 50. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 10 years ago after my 17 year marriage dis-intergrating 2 years earlier. The marriage failure was due to my increasing manic behaviour and his inability to deal with me and it took me 2 years to get diagnosed properly and another 5 to get myself healthy again. Over the past 12 years I have gained and lost friends and as a single mom with no family support here I often find myself alone especially during holidays. I lost my married friends when my marriage ended and have been through countless party friends. I also have been tending to be reclusive lately due to work stress and also I have no desire to go out anymore to party. But it doesn’t make for a thriving social life. I was so out of control for so long that I am so happy to be calm and yes relieved that I can just be home and chill, but there needs to be balance. My kids are now 19 and 15 and don’t need me anymore the way they did. I have a few close friends and love them dearly and I have lately been making more of an effort to connect with my friends and that has helped. New friendships are hard, there is always the fear of rejection but I am tying to stay hopeful and open. We live in such a insular society, people live such busy lives and the superficiality of Facebook has replaced real interaction. But you are not alone and it can and does get better
Yeah, that need for balance is exactly it – I’d like to have some social life. Something I can handle without getting too overstimulated or overwhelmed. It’s just going to take some time to figure out what that might be, I guess.
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