Tags
Ativan, bipolar, coming out, disclosure, hypomania, sleep, travel
I got off my plane, collected my bag, and hopped into my supervisor’s car on a bright sunny afternoon. We hummed along down the road to a lunch stop in an odd little town. I had delicious homemade chicken-and-chile soup. The need to spill my beans and get it over with was making me apprehensive, but it wasn’t the right time to say something. Not yet.
Mountains. I love them.
After lunch, we resumed the drive. My supervisor (let’s call him Dr. Mycteria) isn’t a particularly verbose guy, so we ran out of conversation within a few miles and he leaned to turn up the radio.
“Actually, there’s something I wanted to talk with you about. Something very serious, as in confidential.” He turned off the radio.
I gave him the overview version of what I’d told Mr. Flycatcher; since Dr. Mycteria sees me much less frequently, a lot of the little details weren’t as relevant. He’ll never see me at the office looking like someone just ran over my puppy, and probably won’t see me strung out or sick from med changes. He’s much more likely to see me when I’m all DeeDee in the Sky with Diamonds. But I made sure I got across the most important detail:
I don’t want you to think I’m slacking when I’m really just unwell. I always want to do my work, I just can’t always do it.
As I mentioned med changes – which I always mention, because most people have absolutely no understanding of that particular brainscrew – he related with an empathetic comment. He’s familiar with what’s involved in psychoactive med changes because his daughter has severe PTSD. It seems every single time I tell someone about being bipolar and having ADD, they respond by telling me that an immediate family member (or they themselves) has a mental health problem.
As we discussed the topic further, he mentioned that he tried Wellbutrin to quit smoking, but he was part of the 1% (or whatever) that get severe anxiety as a side effect of Bupropion. So he knows what side effects are like, and how much they can sideline you.
The conversation soon trailed off; there was nothing more to say, since I know I need to be careful not to overshare with people who aren’t my bosom buddies. But as we settled back into the drive, he said,
Well, I think the world of you, and this doesn’t change that.
I smiled, said thanks, and leaned back to watch the gorgeous southwestern scenery whiz by.
—————-
I spent the week in the workshop hardly sleeping and working hard to suppress incipient hypomania. I couldn’t help drinking – it was expected of me, I’d set the precedent myself, and I just couldn’t bring myself to miss out. But instead of staying around for exciting conversations at each break and going out with social groups during free time, I went off by myself outdoors. I realized I needed the alone-time to recharge without getting overstimulated.
I also plied the Ativan, keeping much calmer and quieter than the usual disruptive motormouth that my mood would ordinarily demand of me. Random floaty anxiety popped up here and there (perhaps after-effects of the alcohol), and I ensured it got no chance to take hold. I focused on being there, and left everything else alone.
I was proud of myself for keeping the manic spell in check, but I missed out on the euphoria. I didn’t realize until later how much I missed it. It left a craving, like the feeling of wanting a cigarette not long after quitting, and a sharp pang of sadness that I must deny myself that which I crave. I almost wonder, if I hadn’t had anything to drink, whether the euphoria would have joined in the party?
I think it’s amazing that you’ve had these kind of reactions, I don’t think you’d get that in Ireland
I think it has more to do with the type of work environment and the people than the country. The US is really no more accepting of “neurodiversity” than anyone else. I just picked a really good career path for a crazy person.
“It left a craving, like the feeling of wanting a cigarette not long after quitting, and a sharp pang of sadness that I must deny myself that which I crave”
That’s a wonderful way to describe that “just-missed-it” feeling, the odd float-y emptiness, that comes with dodging a spell of mania. When I get mine, it reminds me of “back in the day” when I used to take psychedelics. On the back side of a trip there would be this hollow feeling that could only be filled by a) another hit, or b) some marijuana. Lacking these things, one was forced to put up with the empty craving for–something. Huge kudos to you both for keeping your coming-out party happening, and for navigating your meeting between the ditches.
Oh my, you hit it on the nose! I’d liken it to coming down from acid, where you’re twitchy and a bit hollow and can’t sleep and marijuana’s really the only thing to ease it (the double-drop is really ought only be a one-time experience and any more than that is asking for it.)
I get that craving-for-something a LOT lately, but there’s nothing that fills it or shuts it up. The best I can do is ignore it.
Yup, that’s all you can do these days, just stick it out….there’s a guy in my book, who is a real person, who would take one hit day one, two on day two, etc, till he reached seven on day seven….then he would take a couple days off and start over again. He was a chemistry ABD at University of Chicago. Took his prelims tripping. I asked him, what the fuck did you do that for? And he says, well, you got to take the test in the condition you studied for it. Makes sense to me…:-P
Nicely done.
Thanks!
I think you are one brave lady.
Thanks! Just doing what I have to do. It’s not always easy, but we all get our own special challenges, right?
sigh, very true indeed
Once again, good job on coming “out”! I’m glad to see that you’re as fortunate as I am to have colleagues and bosses who don’t look down on us for our ‘nonconformity’. Makes it so much easier to live with BP when one doesn’t have to be ashamed of it; nobody asks for this, after all.
Also, great work on stemming that budding mood episode. Alas, I haven’t yet learned to turn away from the siren song of hypomania…….in fact, I yearn for it when I’m down, and crave it even in periods of stability. It’s like an addiction that I will conquer one day, but I’m not there yet. Thanks for giving me hope that day will come sometime down the road.
My family is also cursed with many y types of mental ailment from bipolar,, epilepsy,, and HdHd. ,, I can empathize with you, because many of my family are afflicted with this dreadful disease. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks for your empathy – a lot more people are impacted by mental illness than most believe.
Thank you for reading my post. I wrote it with you and my daughter in mind. I concur with you.
Good on ya for coming out over and over! It’s a real process and extremely hard to do at work, in particular. Do you know I’ve never “officially” come out to my boss, even though I have a book on the market about struggling with bipolar disorder? Seems strange, but also very late in the game to have a discussion about it. I don’t know if she’s read my book, and, honestly, don’t care or really want to know.
OK, I gotta say, the part where the folks at work don’t know even though you’ve got a “real” book out there – that’s wild! But I totally get it.
And it does seem like late in the game isn’t when you want to bring it up, unless it’s fresh news for you. I figured at this point – about 6 months into my position – I had a good enough feel for the people I’m working with and since it’s just over a year from diagnosis, it wasn’t like I was holding out on the supervisor I’ve known for 3 years.
But yeah, hard and sometimes not even worth it.
Well, my colleagues know about my mental illness and have read my book, and we actually talk about it very openly. Just I am not sure my bosses have read the book and I have never discussed having bipolar with them.
There’s a big difference between colleagues and bosses, that’s for sure.
I am so glad it went well for you – half the battle is telling those around you – Good Luck!!!!
There are millions such battles waiting to be fought; I really feel for the folks who can’t say anything to anyone.
My therapist told me I didn’t have to tell my family or anyone else because it’s not their business. I plan to tell my brother because he has a little boy and should know there’s a potential inherited condition. But not yet.
I know what you mean about missing the creativity and flow. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my edge since starting mood stabilizers.
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