Tags
anger, BPD, DBT, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, group therapy, invalidation, judgment, mindfulness
I had a nice break from DBT over the holidays – 3 whole weeks off. We started back up again with Core Mindfulness. I’m finally getting it, instead of just being annoyed by it; of course, we also had 3 new people. One seemed like a nice kid, another a rather sullen woman with really bad hair, and the third a peppy perfect mommy sort. As usual, it reset the comfort level in the room, but that’s to be expected.
Then came an unwelcome opportunity to practice distress tolerance and emotion regulation in the moment. I shared about coming out with my diagnoses to my supervisors, and a few others made mention of having to tell people in authority positions as well. It’s hard to do, all around.
Peppy Mommy spoke up about how she’d figured out a perfect way to easily describe BPD to others. Let me quote – because I actually wrote this down verbatim, I was so furious:
Borderline Personality Disorder is like bipolar on crack. People with bipolar, they have their ups and they have their downs, but I’m like up-down-up-down-up-down.
My reaction was immediate: face burning, heart racing, jaw clenched, hands in fists. I pushed my chair back even further from the table so I couldn’t see Peppy Mommy, clearly sitting outside the circle. I quickly started deep breathing to keep myself from verbally attacking her. I dry-swallowed an Ativan, thought about just leaving the room (more than once, with consideration of door-slamming as well), decided I could do better, and tried to just breathe instead. If I’d left the room, I would’ve punched a hole in the wall down the hall, and we can’t be having that.
Although we were talking about being non-judgmental that evening, I couldn’t help judging the hell out of that woman. My automatic thought was, “she’s so fucking ignorant!”
Within moments, however, I shifted to, “perhaps she’s new to her diagnosis and doesn’t know much about BPD, much less bipolar. She’s obviously never heard of rapid cycling, and probably doesn’t know anyone who’s bipolar, nor the differences between mood disorders and personality disorders.” Ignorant? Yes. But I shouldn’t be judgmental because I don’t know the facts.
I felt better about being less judgmental, but it didn’t make me any less angry. The group leader caught on – we actually discussed it in front of everyone in a way that completely was over their heads, because the group members all assume that because Linehan designed DBT for borderlines, everyone in the group has BPD.
Wrong.
If you don’t want to be judged, don’t judge others. If you want to learn to be nonjudgmental, start by examining your assumptions. And by all that’s good in this world, people, please take the advice of the immortal Kurt Vonnegut:
There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.
Hi. I’m learning mindfulness and DBT using the Linehan book too. It’s hard work isn’t it? The skills do come in handy though, especially when facing ignorant or annoying people! Good luck in your work, I hope it helps you, and your group members don’t annoy you too much!!
DBT is harder than I thought, but mostly it’s because being mindful (which you basically have to do for anything else to work) is so undervalued and therefore underpracticed in our society. It takes some time to really get to being aware of emotions, triggers, and so on.
Most of the group members are fine; there’s always one newbie at each cycle who grates on me.
I know what you mean! I’m finding mindfulness tough to master as a consistent tool to apply! Still, keep practising and I will eventually get there!
And I’m lucky, I’m not doing group sessions at the moment as I’m not up to coping with them, so no having to deal with the stress of that one annoying person when learning the new material! I do however have a family who more than make up for that, and who I have to practice very hard to keep my cool with!!
The hard part is remembering to practice! It’s something you need to do every day, as often as possible, when it comes to being mindful about the way you live (as opposed to mindfulness based on meditation).
I think the group format is actually really good, there are some excellent dynamics and getting time in between sessions to practice and absorb the material is really helpful. But there always is that one annoying person…
I loved the way you ended this post. Great message
Thanks!
Good job, you. I would have stayed and said things that would have me permanently ejected from that group.
Also quoting Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. will always take you far in life. Especially with me.
I don’t usually unleash my wrath in a setting like that – just internalize, and you know how that eventually turns out. :-/
Vonnegut = much awesomeness. Also, Mr. Chickadee wrote 2 theses on Vonnegut, so being up on his works always scores me brownie points.
Good job, DeeDee…..I, on the other hand, probably would have handed Peppy Mom her @$$ with a dollop of sour cream. What a piece of work. Sure hope she learns when to keep her face shut, for her sake if nobody else’s.
Well, maybe she will get over herself long enough to notice that her mouth-noise affects others. We’ll see.
What a great and challenging way to end your post.
I can’t feel completely what you did, but I can relate to your frustration. Can be SO hard not to judge, assume and react when people make dumb statements or ignorantly hit on a nerve.
I love that quote too and it’s full text. Don’t judge me if I post it too
I would judge anyone who posted good Vonnegut quotes – but the judgment would be a positive one, not negative.
I usually realize in situations like this one that the person didn’t intend to be hurtful. It doesn’t change the automatic emotional reaction, but I have a choice of how to handle that and respond – just have to realize it’s happening and stop to think before acting. No easy task, that.
Good luck with the DBT. I’ll be reading. I’m starting it for the first time in the next few weeks. Good luck to us x
Had to share you blog. Don’t people know that it takes a hell of a huge effort for people like us to remain calm after listening to their stupid ignorant shit? Thanks for making me feel I’m not alone. I’m not diagnosed with BPD. I am depressive, deal with intense anxiety attacks and my MS makes it all more fun!
Well, I think she had no clue that anyone in the room was bipolar. But she doesn’t seem the type to think before speaking, so I dunno.
But you’re definitely not alone. Anytime you’re in a crowded room, look around – about a quarter of the people are having some kind of mental health issues. It can be a comforting thought.
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