The title really says it all.
It’s been uneventful as winter lingers and springtime teases. It’s not a particularly cheery season for me. The time change screwed up me, as usual, and I think I had bronchitis for the last 2.5 weeks. But it’s much better now.
I got a major work project wrapped up, but it actually makes my worry a bit more vague since it’s no longer attached to that project. The truth is that my work is suffering due to time lost to illness and treatment, which makes me even more anxious. Far too much of my time goes to doctor’s appointments, therapy, and being sick. I’m also finding that I can’t really make the time up on weekends and evenings. It just doesn’t work – I simply have to spend time on things like groceries, DBT and yoga classes, and household management. These are necessary things. Plus let’s face it: my brain shuts down after about 7 PM, so working late only happens under the strictest deadlines anymore. So I’m actually putting in less than 40 hours, which is part of why I feel so damn guilty about it.
Meantime, there’s just a lot of uncertainty and worrying. I’m trying really hard to manage that as proactively as possible. I recently read a fantastic book, Self-Compassion, by Kristine Neff, and I’m trying to figure out how to put that wisdom into practice.
Diagnostically, I don’t know where things are anymore, which is frustrating. There’s the PMDD thing, a theory which seems to hold water, so let’s take that as a given. As I discussed with my PNP, and she agrees, the ADHD Dx is likely to stick around. It’s not just the horrendous inattention associated with parts of the menstrual cycle but the overall everyday inattentiveness, and the evidence going back to childhood – way before puberty.
So now we’re up to PMDD and ADHD. The generic labels on my charts from my primary care providers have included Anxiety Disorder and Mood Disorder – both NOS – but that’s not based on recent evaluation.
The PNP doesn’t think bipolar fits – apparently I don’t exhibit the level of irritability usually seen in others with Bipolar II. I don’t know what to believe myself, which is an uncomfortable place to be with respect to acceptance, and yes, identity. Maybe I’ve convinced myself that I experience hypomania when I really don’t. The Mood Disorder Questionnaire resoundingly indicates otherwise, but I just don’t know anymore.
Anyway, it all goes in circles, like a neurotic dog chasing its tail. I feel like there’s no resolution, no end in sight, and only the small hope that the next oral contraceptive will help better regulate my system. I’ve had lower back cramps with ongoing spotting for over a month now, and that can stop anytime.
We’re reducing my dosage on lamotrigine from 200mg to 150mg, starting today, so we’ll see how that goes. It would be great if I could eliminate a drug from the mix, so I’m willing to try. At this point, I don’t feel particularly optimistic, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?