I’m starting to warm up to the idea of therapy. It’s not something I’ve been particularly keen on, but it would be nice to feel like I had someone to whom I could tell all and hopefully be understood. Maybe an idealistic idea of what is involved in therapy, but it’s starting to sound like a reasonable thing to do.

I had my second appointment with the new therapist today. We covered some of the same ground again, but this time when discussing my symptoms, he said it sounds more like full-blown mania to him than hypomania. That really surprised me; I was just getting accustomed to the idea of bipolar ii, and now this? Full-blown mania means a bipolar i diagnosis, and that’s considered more severe in terms of symptoms.

Now, I don’t think I get that manic. But I know I have done in the past, a long time ago, and oh the indiscretions I committed then… Anyway, having even one manic episode (ever) makes you candidate for bipolar i instead of bipolar ii. So I could end up with the super-scary diagnosis instead of the slightly-more-palatable-but-still-damn-ugly diagnosis. This is a little unsettling to me at the moment.

In truth, it doesn’t matter which it is; they’ll treat it the same way, more or less. If it’s bipolar i, though, I might actually file a health care proxy statement. Just in case I ever get sent to a psych hospital. That’s one of the scariest things I can think of, really, which is part of why a bipolar i diagnosis would freak me out just a little more than bipolar ii.

And I do have an appointment for a psych evaluation on Tuesday. I’m slightly terrified. I expect them to say the same thing as everyone else, which is scary in itself. They could drop a bomb and give me something scarier, or multiple diagnoses – like bipolar ii + ADHD, which actually wouldn’t surprise me at all. Amusingly, they only have 45 minute appointments, so they’ll have to figure out 30-some years of crazy in about half an hour.

What I know they’ll probably do is change my meds, and that’s really frightening. I’ve seen enough discussion about mood stabilizers and antipsychotics to be very, very wary of the potential side effects of bipolar meds. And yet, I do stand to potentially benefit if a good pharmaceutical cocktail can be identified – I just don’t expect it to be a pleasant process.