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Saturday, I had a lovely dinner party. I took it easy on the alcohol because of the new crazy meds. On Sunday, I had a hangover – not a bad one, but my first real hangover. Ever. Talk about a major bummer, it looks like even moderate drinking has unpleasant interactions. And I felt a little bit down most of the day, even though we went hiking as an antidote.

Today, I really feel down. I’m tired, at the edge of tears for no reason, and worrying to no end about everything that I’m not getting done because I’m feeling awful and distracted. I just want to crawl back into bed and cry myself to sleep, and not have to wake up or deal with anything. Despite feeling like hell, I went to the therapist today, and set up another month’s worth of appointments as well.

It was a good session, I guess. It’s only my third session, and we talked about family history. No abuse, no trauma, just normal, mostly. My folks split up when I was around 11, I got depressed around 12, started cutting myself around 13, got diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder not long after and put on Prozac. Et cetera.

We talked about when I first starting having manic symptoms, after going to college, and the very scary auditory hallucination incident when I was about 19. He said that if you don’t have a psychotic episode before 23, you probably never will. But lucky me, it looks like I could end up with more psychotic symptoms if I don’t take good care of myself.

My main therapy goal for the time being is to figure out triggers and how to head off episodes before they get bad. It seems like a good goal. Right now, that feels a little overwhelming and hopeless, but it will pass. I had to take a couple Valium just to get through the afternoon because I was freaking out a little bit over feeling so blue. And now I’m relaxed and at least not freaking out – but still feeling blue.

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