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I’m really not the virtuous type. And definitely not the patient type, but getting less impatient as I get older.

Waiting for med changes to take effect is awful. I’ve been on the Lamictal for a little over a week, but at the starter dose, much too low to really do anything. It will take a month to hit the threshold where it might actually start to do something – and I certainly understand the reasons to titrate up slowly, but it still sucks.

In the meantime, I think cutting the Wellbutrin down to 300mg is showing. I’m a little less sweaty and a little less anxious. But I can’t tell whether it’s that or adding the Lamictal–or both, or neither–that’s causing mood swings now. For a couple days after starting the Lamictal and reducing the Wellbutrin, I was high as a kite. Kinda like being stoned on pot, except it felt better emotionally and I was clearer-headed, but less functional in terms of having the attention span of a gnat.

And then I had my dinner party, and kinda crashed. Sunday was kinda blue, but Monday was awful; after my therapy appointment in the morning, I spent most of the afternoon crying on and off, for no apparent reason. I was feeling panicky until I took some valium, which unfortunately are a gift from a friend and therefore in very limited supply. I think I need to be clearer with the docs about how anxious I really am, because lately it’s been feeling like mini panic attacks, and I think the situation is actually a lot worse than what I had convinced myself to believe.

I also think I’m feeling a little grief for the loss of my self-image as a healthy person. I’m not used to the idea of being mentally ill, or having a chronic medical condition. It’s a lot to process, and there aren’t many people with whom I can talk about it. As I try to accept this diagnosis, it makes me cry when I stop to realize that I’ll never be considered a “whole” or normal person again. As if anyone had ever thought me normal in the first place! But I feel like I’ve lost a piece of myself.

Tuesday was still pretty low, and yesterday and today have improved to being just kinda blah, but my usual attention span has returned (such as it is) and I’m able to get some work done. It’s a big improvement, though I don’t feel much better due to all the pressure from stuff that piled up while I was feeling so rotten. And that was just for a couple of days! I’m terrified of the depressive moods worsening, but at least I have people to call if it does.

So now what? I just have to wait and follow the plans for titrating up my meds, and hope they start to kick in sooner rather than later, and that I’ll feel better again. The last few days of rollercoaster moods has been good for convincing me that I’m really not making this stuff up, and that there’s definitely just cause for seeking help. But then it makes me cry, because I hate asking for help.

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