I have these moments of panic every day. Little tiny freak-outs, I sometimes call them. Lately I’ve had to take a couple valium to calm down enough to get on with things, which is frustrating and makes me feel stupid and mental.
They’re rarely a reaction to anything except what’s in my head, which is what makes it even harder – there’s nothing I can point to, and say, “that, that’s what’s freaking me out.” I’m sure it’s all that subconscious type stuff that psychotherapy is for. But it’s getting a bit crippling now.
I’ve had these moments of panic before. I remember distinctly during my first semester at this university, being so freaked out that I felt sick to my stomach or would cry, and wanted to run away. Just walking to campus. There was nothing to be afraid of, really, and it was just everyday activities and conditions, but something clearly wasn’t right.
Now I’m getting freaked out when I think about my future, diagnosis and treatment (this is understandable), but also when I try to work on my dissertation writing. It’s not writers block. I could write, if only I could figure out where to start. Even that, however, is frightening. Committing words to paper, trying to get started and knowing that I’ll have to throw a lot of these pieces away, it’s terrifying.
I’m not a fearful person. I’m distinctly unafraid of many things that cause fear in others I know. These little tiny freak-outs, where my heart starts beating faster and my brain just kinda seizes up, they feel like fear and I don’t really know what is causing them. All I know is it seems to keep getting worse.
From a self-analytic standpoint, it seems logical to think that there’s something that working on my dissertation writing represents that I’m afraid of. Doing the work wrong, not being able to do it at all, having it picked apart (as it inevitably will be), all these are logical things to fear for someone in my shoes, though not all that rational.
Being terrified is terrifying. I think it’s just making itself worse, feeding on my worries about uncertainties that I can’t resolve and have to just work through. But hey, who cares? I’m the only person who looks at this blog anyway. It just makes me feel modestly better to think that maybe someone else gets it.