Today I was trying to do a little task. Nothing terribly difficult. Nothing as taxing as dissertation writing – just some editing and an email distribution of the final document.
And I couldn’t do it. I sat there with my head on my desk, just trying not to cry (I’m still trying not to cry.) All I could think after awhile was, how did I get this way? When did I become an invalid? I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about bipolar disorder, trying to monitor and manage myself to stay stable, and at the same time, I can feel myself slowly slipping into depression.
I don’t care. I don’t care about watching my birds. I don’t care about finishing that pair of socks so I can use the new yarn I just bought to make some fingerless gloves and keep my hands warm while I type this dissertation throughout the cold, cold winter. No. Don’t care.
I took a hydroxyzine, got the work done in about a half hour (much less time than I spent fretting over having to do it), and gave up for the day. Felt like I was admitting defeat, that I really am sick, that it’s getting a little hopeless on the “be a successful academic” life goal. I’m getting into anxiety spirals that just aggravate the depression.
I hate this. There is nothing good about feeling this way. It destroys my self-confidence and determination, makes me feel hopeless, and pushes the panic further and further up from my stomach into my chest. I become convinced that I can’t do X, whatever it is, and then a million other things that I can’t do because I didn’t do X are becoming impossible with every passing moment, and of course the worst imaginable scenario is exactly what will come to pass.
Now I’m angry at myself for being such a wimp, afraid of more depressive days like this ahead, and trying to swallow the lump in my throat while preventing the tears that are welling in my eyes from falling. Tomorrow I increase my Lamictal dose again, and just in time – I am not handling the reduced antidepressant dosage all that well today, it seems. I continue to put my faith in modern chemistry and hope that things will get better soon enough for me to graduate.