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Another grey day. Another cloud of impending doom forming over my head. Another foul mood comprised of anxiety and inexplicable sadness.

I don’t know whether to blame myself or my brain chemistry for what’s going wrong. I’m not getting a lot of work done. My head generally feels more “right” than it ever has been, better even than I had imagined was possible, but I’m still on an emotional rollercoaster. I’m wondering if I’m getting all twisted up about my work due to regular old stress. I could try the hydroxyzine hcl experiment again and see how that goes, but my hopes aren’t particularly high.

So I’m feeling relatively functional and energy levels are good, but I’m getting way more tired than usual. Regular headaches. Surprise crying jags for no apparent reason. Isolating. Feeling like my meds are “wearing off” in the afternoon, despite being long-acting formulations, leaving me emotionally wrecked. All signs point to depression coming on.

What to do? My meds will get adjusted again in another week, so it’s mostly a “hang in there” kind of situation. But that’s how it’s been for months now, and how it will probably continue to be for awhile. Ironically, I need to be in functional order to write my dissertation, but it takes so long to sort out this stuff that I may get most of the writing done before my meds are stabilized. And everything is just plain harder when I’m constantly up and down like this.

In the meantime, there are a couple more holiday parties to navigate. I’m skipping out on one event that I was planning to attend – Christmas caroling – and decided against having people over for another month or so. But I’ll force myself to go out, even though I don’t want to, because I need the social interaction.

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