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I was doing so much better last week that I’m massively disappointed to feel so rotten all over again. Anxious, depressed, tearful – my therapist even said that I seemed “fragile” today and that usually I seem strong despite my mood. I did manage not to cry during the session, but it looks like I’ll be crying on and off all day again. Damn, I hate this.

I agree with my therapist. I feel like I might break. Crying for no reason will do that. So the advice today is to get a little work done and then take it easy on myself. Easier said than done, on both counts. He said I really need to be firm with the doctor tomorrow about what I need, e.g. stronger stuff for both ADHD and anxiety.

My therapist also said that I need to emphasize that I’m under extreme work stress in addition to the mood swings and usual bipolar stuff. I’m afraid of seeming like I’m drug-seeking, but I’m going to try. Ironically enough, it hadn’t even occurred to me that a dissertation is a huge cause of anxiety and that anyone would be stressed out by this!

I’ve chopped my work down into little tiny bits and I just want to get one small chunk done today. I’m not even going to try for two. I need to finish this chapter this week, and the fact that it’s taken a month longer than expected is really, really freaking me out. I’m fast arriving to the point where I might not actually be able to finish “on time.” But I can’t even think about that right now, or I’ll totally freak out and get nothing done at all!

The sun is shining this morning and I should feel good about that. I don’t. I just feel worse because the sun is shining but I want to crawl back in bed and cry myself to sleep. So I keep telling myself it will get better, and trying to believe it.