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Everything has been going OK. Not awful, not great. Just OK. And I should be grateful for that, right?

I’ve had meds adjusted yet again. More Lamictal and different ADHD meds (back to Adderall, hurrah!) At this point, I’m really hoping the cocktail of drugs is getting to be somewhere in the neighborhood of “therapeutic levels” but we’ll see. Just as with the last few Lamictal dosage increases, feeling good initially fades off into not-so-great after a few days, so I may still need to increase that dosage a bit further.

But I’ve been functional! This is very good news indeed. Thanks to the ADHD meds, I’m finally able to keep on task long enough to really get things done. Thanks to the mood stabilizers, my brain is not ricocheting between mood states so fast and hard that I can’t think straight, and I’m finally able to get some real work done. It’s a massive improvement and I’m relieved, grateful, and hopeful.

Admittedly, however, I’m not real thrilled with where everything is at just now. I’m feeling a bit emotionally flat, which is not enjoyable. Maybe this is normal – no extremes of mood, just floating somewhere in the middle. It’s uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and I don’t really like it. For a few days, the last Lamictal increase had me on the edge of hypomania; just a few symptoms popping up and making me crave that high so badly I could just about scream. It’s a vicious tease to be within sight of hypomania but unable to get there.

Overall, it’s an improvement. I’m not sure if this is how it’s supposed to be, though, or if there’s better to be had. I have always tended to settle too easily when it comes to meds. Once things are “good enough” – typically just barely better than whatever came before – then I leave well enough alone. Which is why I took antidepressants for years and was still depressed, for example. So I guess that will remain to be seen.

In the meantime, there was a holiday. It was much like any other weekend at my house, except that I took the whole day off for Christmas. But now I’d best get back to work.

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