I had really hoped the weekend backpacking trip would bolster my spirits and help drive off the depression. And it did. While I was in the woods. I didn’t feel as good as I usually do, but I felt a lot better than when at home faced with a mounting pile of work.
We headed out to the Adirondacks on Saturday morning, just after the horrible day I described in yesterday’s post. I spent a couple hours getting things ready on Friday, but I obviously wasn’t thinking very clearly. I forgot my inflatable camp seat (still no idea where I put it), the Kitchen Sink, Wellbutrin, and a backup battery for my camera, which died after just 10 shots. I thought I ran out of stove fuel too, but apparently I just failed to check the equipment well enough.
Sure, everyone forgets things when going on a trip. I usually forget one thing, nothing important. Forgetting this many things? Not a good sign. Mr. Chickadee was irritated about the Kitchen Sink, but I was deeply frustrated about everything I screwed up (however minor in the grand scheme of things) and what it says about where my head is.
I’m back to low, low, low following the trip. In fact, the lowest Moodscope score I’ve seen in a long time (25). I don’t think missing one day of Wellbutrin is the sole cause, though it undoubtedly didn’t help. I’m pretty sure my therapist would say that I should call the psych for an emergency appointment. I’m still resisting. What can they do but change my meds? I really don’t want my meds changed yet again. I keep feeling sure this will pass “soon.” Since I started Lamictal, a week has been the outside limit for a depressive episode. Today’s a week. I know I should call, but why bother? My next appointment is only a week away.
In the meantime, it’s closing on Monday noon (when I’m writing this) and I’m paralyzed by the very idea of trying to work. It’s enough to make my eyes well up with tears, practically terrified of trying to work and not being able to get anywhere with it. It’s going to be another hard day, and then I have to go to DBT tonight.