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Hey, well, we all make this post at some point. You know, the one that says, “I haven’t been posting much or replying to your comments, because of X, Y, and Z, but I am reading them! And I will get caught up eventually!”

Yeah, that. Except that if I’m being honest with myself, it’s hard to feel like I’ll get caught up, at least not anytime soon. It’s a struggle to keep up with posts from the relatively small handful of blogs that I follow. I’m not getting as much writing done because I’m working, but I’m not getting as much work done as I feel like I ought either, for a whole host of reasons. It’s frustrating. I want to feel like I’m keeping up, but whenever I start to tip even a little bit toward depression, I start thinking that I’ll always be behind, there’s no way to ever catch up, so what’s the point in worrying, hurrying, or (eventually) even bothering? It quickly becomes a self-fulfilling downward spiral.

This is my brain on October.

We’re having a lot of gray weather and rain as we move into cooler fall days. After a few weeks of mostly sunny destinations and the serial hypomania of extended travel, it was a shock to the system to come home to days and days of overcast weather. The shorter days are making it harder to get up in the morning. I can feel the weight of the change of seasons starting to press down on me. But it won’t be allowed to become a problem this year, dammit! Well, that’s the idea, anyway.

It pains me to admit that I’m struggling with cognitive limitations a bit more lately. As always, having a hard time organizing and prioritizing my work introduces extra challenges. I work really hard at it, and that’s really all I can do, but it definitely creates extra stress and anxiety. Recently I’m also noticing worsening memory problems. I can’t remember names worth a damn anymore and while yes, many people have a hard time with names, it has gotten much worse in the last few months. I’m also having more aphasic moments where I can’t find the right words, and the effects last longer than they used to — so instead of remembering the right turn of phrase sometime later, the words just never come.

So I do have all the best intentions for getting caught up, keeping my life balanced and moving along smoothly on an even keel, blogging regularly, not falling behind on my work responsibilities, etc. Of course, we all know that reality doesn’t work the way we imagine it should.