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It’s hard to accept blog awards when you don’t really feel like you deserve them. However, these were the last things to square away before my WordPress email inbox can be cleared out. And it feels so rude not to accept an award. Plus I’ve procrastinated quite long enough. So here’s a recent few to catch up on…

Another nomination for The Very Inspiring Blogger Award by Summer Moon. Thanks, dear! And another for the One Lovely Blog Award from Rachel Miller – thanks, Rachel!

And then the two from Lulu, starting with the I Love Your Blog award.

  1. Tell your followers why you started a blog and why you keep doing it: I started this blog because I was lonely and scared about my bipolar diagnosis and needed an outlet. I keep it up because bipolar is still something I can’t talk about with just anyone, and it’s lovely to get feedback and support from a community that understands.
  2. Describe a usual day in your life: Up at 6, make some espresso, drink it while doing mood charting, checking email, and sitting in front of my light box. Take a shower with the Mr., get dressed, and pack him a lunch (or not.) Throw together a bit of breakfast, watch birds at the feeder while we eat. Most days I work at home, so I sit down at my computer around 8 and (try to) get going. After the work day, I (try to) make some kind of dinner. Mr. Chickadee gets home from work, we spend a few minutes sitting together and petting the dog and catching up from the day. Sometimes I walk with him and the dog; sometimes I go straight to making dinner. After we eat, we often continue enjoying film entertainment until it’s time to go to bed. Usually I knit or make stuff. Then we brush our teeth and hop in bed by 11, snuggle up, drift off to sleep, and do it all over again.
  3. What was your best collaboration? I call it “marriage.”
  4. What was your worst collaboration?  Not sure, I’ve been pretty successful with collaborating in general. I’ve had to back out once or twice, and felt horrible about it each time, but sometimes it’s the right thing to do.

Finally, the latest and greatest blog award, also from Lulu: the Brilliant Blog Award.

1. Write an acceptance speech, linking back to the person who gave it to you.

Lulu’s linked above, and acceptance speech? Really? Um.

I dunno. Lately I’m not feeling very well; some days it’s raging anxiety and others it’s inexplicable overwhelming sadness. There are days that are OK and even encouraging, but then there are the dark smudges through some weeks. Right now it feels like it’s taking a really long time to recover from those weeks and “get back up to speed” but I have no patience with myself.

I hear what my therapist and everyone else says. I really am listening. I just don’t know how to do better than this.

So I accept this award and the implied judgment that I’m a good blogger on trust. I can’t feel it or see it myself right now, but I know that at times my perception and thinking are compromised. Like a sick child, I know I should accept the advice and insight of friends until I’m able to think more clearly. I know and believe all these things, but it still makes me sad that I need to rely on others’ judgment at times. There is probably nothing about this illness that makes me feel so beaten as knowing I can’t rely on my own mind.

2. Write 7 things you believe in.

  1. I believe that the planet is completely and utterly doomed. I’m glad I’ll die (of old age, if nothing else) before it gets really apocalyptic.
  2. I believe I am loved.
  3. I believe that Mr. Chickadee is as close to perfect for me as anyone could possibly be.
  4. I believe that compassion, patience, and humility are among the most valuable qualities to cultivate.
  5. I believe that everyone needs help sometimes.
  6. I believe that sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.
  7. I believe it can will get better.

3. Give the award to as many brilliant blogs as you would like to share the love.

Well, I’ve copped out on that since the early days of blogging. And I haven’t looked at (or for) anything new in awhile, so I don’t have much to offer. Maybe another time.

Write what you feel: Another week slipped by while I wasn’t looking. Where are my days going? I am suddenly lonely, sad, and acutely aware of how stunted my social life is these days and has been for, well, years. Sad for no reason, wanting to hibernate, isolating without even trying, ruminating, obsessing. I keep forgetting what I’m saying before I finish saying it. I don’t think this meds cocktail is working right. The very idea of another year of constant med changes makes me cry. I just keep crying because I can’t stop. I’ve been choking it back for awhile.

Update: I wrote this awhile back, have since had some med changes, and am feeling much better. Fingers crossed that it sticks around for awhile!