I don’t even know how many times I’ve been misdiagnosed at this point. But the hits just keep on coming…
What she said.
Originally posted on WordPress.com News:
When we start a blog instead of simply keeping a private diary, it’s because we want to connect with others. When you start to blog, you join a community.
It comes as no surprise that many bloggers are drawn to online communities as a place to work through challenges — to heal and process, find others with similar experiences, and seek (or offer) support. There are lots of supportive communities around WordPress.com: women dealing with breast cancer, people managing diabetes, parents of children with unique needs, and many, many more. Throughout January, we’ll be zooming in on how bloggers use WordPress.com to support their health and wellness.
Today, on the heels of the Blog for Mental Health 2014 kick-off, we’re focusing on mental health. Read on for a look at the many ways WordPress.com bloggers use their sites to improve their own lives, and the lives of others who have…
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I live in Central New York, which parallels the Pacific Northwest for gray skies and precipitation; we just get ours as snow rather than rain. For about 6 months out of the year, the skies are oppressive, with just 70 hours of sunshine on average in December. That’s about 2.5 hours a day, but sometimes we don’t see the sun for more than a week at a time.
So spending a week in the sun during January is a great way to recharge myself enough to power through the rest of the winter. Last year I enjoyed wintery sunshine in northern New Mexico, but this year I soaked up my rays in Hawaii on the “Big Island,” spending about half of my time on the dry sunny northwest coast near Waikoloa, and the other half in the rainforests of the southeastern coast in the Puna district.
Sunburn ensued, obviously. I didn’t mind at all; it felt good to get a little spanking from the sun. But I also spent some time under gray skies that still felt re-invigorating because everything around me was lush, green, and dripping with exotic vegetation. Well, except for the barren lava flows, but even there, the novelty of the moon-like terrain was refreshing.
The conference that took up my first 4 days on the island (and was my excuse for travel) had me a little overstimulated and feeling frayed at times. I tried to manage my needs to prevent a meltdown, taking alone time when I needed it and getting at least 6 hours of sleep a night. I still had a mini-meltdown (it really was a lot of stress) and a sinus infection flare-up, but did pretty well most of the time.
I’m glad I planned several days of vacation on my own to follow the intense professional interactions. The biggest drawback was that Mr. Chickadee stayed home, by his own choice (I have enough frequent flyer miles for a ticket to paradise) so I explored on my own. Although I saw a few sights and spent a lot of time at Hawai’i Volcanoes National Park, there’s still so much left to explore next time. I promised Mr. Chickadee that I’ll walk to the end of the road again when he’s ready to come with me.
I’m this writing from 37,000 feet (Tuesday), operating on about 3 hours of spotty sleep after getting up at 4:30 AM HST to see birds and boarding a 10:15 PM (Monday) plane in Kona. I won’t get home until 7 PM EST. Factoring everything in — sleep deprivation, Dramamine, Sudafed, missing my sweetheart, a 5-hour time difference, and the fresh dose of sunshine and greenery — I feel great and awful at the same time.
There’s no making it easier on myself; I’ve done all I can to soften the blow. Mr. Chickadee thinks it’s not worth it, but he wasn’t there. It was worth it. Nonetheless, tomorrow (Wednesday) will be very hard (it was) and the coming weeks will be more stressful than I’ve experienced in years as the job search intensifies. I’m grateful I soaked up some sun while I could, and I’m returning to face these challenges fortified by experiences that remind me that there’s more to life than the hard stuff.
Hey, kids – it’s that time again!
“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”
What to say? I’m feeling less crazy than ever, which is pretty awesome. It seems that a lot of my insanity was really “just” an endocrine disorder, which merely goes to show how incredibly complex our bodies are. Last year, I officially gave up the bipolar diagnosis, and Mr. Chickadee said, “I told you so” because he never really believed it anyway. Despite some tough times here and there, plus a nonstop battle with my health insurance company, I also graduated from DBT and lost over 30 pounds, so a lot of good stuff happened too. I started keeping a gratitude journal, which has helped me stay more focused on the many things I have to be thankful for — and there really are so many.
But the coming year is full of change and anxiety-inducing things like moving and starting a new job, except I don’t know which job or where we’ll be living in 6 months — just that everything we have come to call home is going to change. It’s scary and it’s really hard for me to handle this level of uncertainty, but I feel like I’m doing pretty well with it most of the time. I’m trying to make strategic choices from a long-term perspective and focus on being realistic about what I need to succeed, which might mean a lower-ranked, lower pressure job, and I’m certainly OK with that tradeoff.
I’m hoping that after interview season in January/February, I can start weaning off the Wellbutrin XL that I’ve been on since 2001. I worry that my long-term use of these meds might mean that my body can no longer produce the right chemicals properly by itself, but I have to try. If I don’t really need this $500+/month prescription, it would be great to get it out of my life and save it for the next time a serious depressive episode rolls around. Because I know that’s likely – my standing psychiatric diagnosis is, for now, Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent.
I haven’t been depressed in awhile, though I still have bad patches of dysphoria in which it’s like someone flipped a switch in my head and turned off self-esteem, confidence, and general competence, while turning on doubt, obsessiveness, and pessimism. Happily, however, those episodes are now less severe, more predictable, and shorter. Apparently my body really does need the progesterone boost for my brain to keep working properly!
And now I’m going to do the best thing I can for my mental health – put myself to bed.
Aloha ‘oe, friends – but just for now!
I should be sleeping, but my day was so amazing that I have to tell the story, or at least bits of it.
First of all, I’m in Hawai’i. It’s beautiful and special and more awesome than I can describe. The feral cats really infuriate me, but I won’t go off on that rant.
I got up before my alarm went off and took a bird walk during which I saw African Silverbills, Yellow-fronted Canaries, Saffron Finches, Wandering Tattlers, Yellow-billed Cardinals, and other exotic species. Some of these birds originate in Africa, India, South America, and Asia, and are exceptionally pretty, so it’s especially exciting.
I went to conference sessions and had intellectually stimulating conversations all morning – which sparked ideas for pulling a new paper out of my dissertation (bonus!) that I can submit to this conference next year (double plus bonus!) and started great discussions, plus new friendships.
I ate lunch with the morning session presenters; we talked all the way through the meal and the keynote speaker. I sat in the sun for at least two hours and succeeded in getting sunburned. The sting on my skin makes me happy because it’s so cold and gray at home; I need to store up enough sunshine to get me through the next 4 months!
I went to an afternoon session on biomedical informatics, partly out of curiosity, but also because the dean of Flyover State School was chairing the session. Afterwards, we sat down, munched popcorn, and discussed options. The short story is, they’d love to have me and could immediately offer a 1-year gig until a planned faculty position opens up for Fall 2015, at which point the job would be all but guaranteed. It’s not the top-ranked research university I’ve been groomed for, but a much more sane and sensible environment where I could have a reasonable work/life balance and sustainable career, rather than stressing myself to the point of burnout within 5 years. It was a very encouraging discussion.
After that, I called Mr. Chickadee and talked for 45 minutes – I was too excited to go back to attending paper sessions! While we talked, I watched fish leaping in the lagoon – leaping a foot or so out of the water, like spawning salmon in TV documentaries, except it wasn’t a salmon and it wasn’t spawning. Fascinating!
I spent a little down time by myself before the Pau Hana (cocktail hour) and went from there to the Women’s Networking Reception, which was good fun (plus two free drinks, which is worth $22.50 at resort prices…) The gay guys crashed the women’s reception — plus a few straight ones too — which was fine by all the ladies. Some of my conferences are 90% men, which makes you feel marginalized no matter how bold you are, so these women’s networking events are a really nice touch.
Among the brave fellas was one of my favorite conference pals. We talked and talked and talked and eventually wandered to dinner. I had Singapore noodles, which I basically can’t get at home because there’s no such thing as good Chinese food in upstate New York, so that made me very happy. It was just so much fun to catch up, and also great positive reinforcement to hear my colleague say that I have great stories from my research.
I’m in a daze; my head is spinning. After spending part of my day negotiating a potential mentor for a “backup” postdoc I don’t really want and sketching out a job application I probably won’t send, a dean I really like said he’d go way out of his way to make me a job.
I don’t want to jump the gun, since I have an upcoming campus visit (uber-intense 2-day on-site interview) and yesterday’s phone interview went very well. But my gut says second-tier Flyover State School may be the best choice, even before fully considering the alternatives: the environment is much lower stress, the dean and his management philosophy are exceptionally well aligned with my thinking, and I really want to be done with this excruciating “what’s next?” uncertainty.
But there are still two more days of the conference at this incredibly lush resort, after which I have a few days to myself to drink fresh Kona coffee, hike through rainforests and lava flows, visit live volcanoes, and chase down more exotic birds.
I like to give credit where it’s due. Sara Lomas of Laments and Lullabies is definitely due some credit, but today it’s not for her more profound or hilarious writings — no, I’m afraid Sara deserves the shout-out for a post that was about making do and making awesomeness with a little styrofoam, paint, and moxie.
This now-classic post captured my attention because I like making stuff. And owls. Also, it’s funny, like most things Sara writes. Admittedly, there’s not much evidence of my love of making stuff on this blog, but I thought I’d share a couple projects that were made possibly by Sara and her funny how-to instructions.
When I graduated from DBT, I decided to give everyone in the group a small gift. And for once, I knew just what it should be: a print inspired by my DBT doodles on the “Wise Mind” Venn diagram. I drew stems on the circles for “rational mind” and “emotional mind” and turned them into flowers. When I made them into prints, I discovered that if I turned them upside-down, they became fruit! Is that awesome or what?
I tried using some old copper metallic paint that was lying around, but it was lumpy. The acrylic paint leftover from turning our house from a beige eyesore into a brightly-colored nest worked much better. Lesson learned: use paint that doesn’t suck. Needless to say, everyone at DBT loved the prints! I still have a few left, if anyone wants a copy enough to send me a mailing address.
Over the recent Thanksgiving holiday, I got predictably bored, so I made holiday cards to send out for 2013. The effort was inspired in part by the acquisition of an envelope-making template, which I used to make pretty envelopes out of freebie calendar pages. Better to reuse that Sierra Club calendar before recycling it, right?
So I enlisted Mr. Chickadee to cut and fold cardstock into blanks, and then spent the weekend making prints. Toward the end, I got fancy and even tried a two-tone version, but most of those didn’t come out all that well. On the whole, the cards were a success — my mother-in-law said they looked “special” and asked if they were handcrafted, and Sara Lomas herself seemed pretty darn pleased. :D
The styrofoam “block” is shown at bottom left, next to my original sketch, which I simplified for the final product by omitting the legs. However, Sara mentioned one tip that I have yet to figure out how to follow — avoiding getting paint into the cut edges of the master to keep the lines clean. I just can’t seem to get that to work out, so I still have a pretty high failure rate of unacceptable prints. Nonetheless, I’ve been pleased with my handicrafts, which have been well received, and will likely ply my hand at printmaking again in the future — all because of Sara Lomas.