18 Friday Apr 2014
Posted in ADD, Depression
Tags
ADD, Adderall, ADHD, anxiety, depression, dopamine, drugs, hormones, medication, meds, naltrexone, progesterone, progress, Wellbutrin
Hey, look! I finally got my meds right!
Well, mostly. The sinus meds are making my heart rate skyrocket, so they need some adjustment. But the rest of it is finally A-OK. Hurray!
16 Wednesday Oct 2013
Tags
anxiety, birding, crying, depression, hormones, knitting, photography, productivity, work, worry
I’ve had about 4 months of incredibly good functioning, generally decent mood stability, and high productivity. It’s the longest I’ve felt so well in years, but it seems to be slipping.
We’ve just passed the autumnal equinox. The days are getting shorter, which always seems to bring me down. Since getting home after the car troubles, the weather has been nothing but gray and rainy, and it’s suddenly dark when I wake up in the morning. If you want to call it waking up – it’s more like a zombie state.
My stress level is up: I have to apply for jobs, I’ve got deadlines galore, I need to deal with disposing of the dead car, and my usual motivation is absent. I’m just plain tired a lot, but can’t get to sleep any earlier. I felt genuinely down for the first time in quite awhile yesterday and then caught myself obsessing over an error I’d made – ruminating – which I’d managed to avoid doing for months. It made me worry all the more. Today I haven’t been able to make myself do much work, I see huge flaws in everything I do manage to accomplish, I’m irritable and reactive, easily overwhelmed, and even cried a bit.
Nothing shows you how good the good stuff really is like slipping back down the slope. This summer, part of how I managed so well was cutting back and simplifying things. It really helped to stop expecting myself to do activities that were basically unnecessary. But that too is a slippery slope. At this point, it’s been months since I picked up my knitting or did anything with photography. I really need a new winter hat because I lost mine (again) last year, but I tried to swatch a pattern out, realized it wasn’t going to work with the chosen yarn, and haven’t touched the stuff since. I miss doing these things, but can’t get up the motivation to do them – and loss of interest in one’s usual pursuits is a classic sign of depression.
I’m a good cook: delicata squash stuffed with brown rice pilaf, collard greens zinged up with soy bacon and green chile, and grilled salmon. Yum!
Since I’ve finished DBT, it’s been harder for me to remember to maintain mindfulness practice. I haven’t been going to yoga either, although it’s definitely very helpful for me. It just became too hard to schedule and it’s not cheap to take classes, but I’m also not keeping at it without classes to attend. I haven’t been getting as much exercise, largely because there are only so many hours in the day and I’ve been exhausted. It seems as though I loosened my grip on a whole lot of things that are now starting to drift out of reach, things that were good for me and that I enjoyed.
Most of what has taken their place has been work, food, and TV (Netflix, actually). The TV-watching habit has been going on for awhile; it’s basically my most effective means of shutting down my brain in the evenings. Since getting on board with mindfulness, I don’t do other things while watching TV as much as I used to, because that’s also counter-productive to the winding-down goal – hence not knitting, for example. The food part is generally positive; cooking from scratch with fresh ingredients takes time, and we have been eating well. I do like to cook when I don’t feel pressured about it, but on the down side, it often really does take a lot of time, leaving very few waking hours to use any other way.
And then there’s work. I was loving it for awhile there, doing really well with stuff, and very productive. It was like I had my brain back after an extended hiatus. A couple days’ hiccup in productivity shouldn’t be a matter for concern, but I fear there’s more to come. I suddenly don’t feel like I should be applying for jobs, but I must, and I haven’t been able to force myself to work on the applications. It all adds up to a not-so-good outlook.
I hope against hope that this is a hormonal flutter and will pass before long. Maybe I’ll start remembering to use my light box to help fight the darkening days. Things had been so good that I convinced myself that they just might stay that way. Silly me. I should know better.
Update: Things have improved since this post was composed – still tired and stressed, but more or less doing OK.
14 Monday Oct 2013
Posted in NOS
Tags
If you want your brain to work well, you’ve gotta be good to the rest of your body too.
22 Monday Jul 2013
Tags
ADD, ADHD, anxiety, bipolar, bloggity blog, contest, depression, diagnosis, dx, identity, MDD, Mood Disorder NOS, PMDD, tagline, therapy
If you’ve been following along recently, you’ve probably noticed that my Crazy Lady diagnostic status is up in the air. Well, not exactly – everyone still thinks I’m crazy, but after more than two years, the docs still haven’t figured out what’s going on. Sad but true.
When I started this blog, my diagnoses were Bipolar Disorder II and Attention Deficit Disorder. Earlier diagnoses included Major Depressive Disorder (Recurrent), and Anxiety Disorder NOS (not otherwise specified). More recently, I was handed Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (aka Depressive Disorder NOS). Mood Disorder NOS shows up on my test orders, but Bipolar II is still on my therapy slips. NOS fits nicely, I think, since it basically means “something’s definitely screwy but we don’t know what.”
The lack of diagnostic certainty around the mood disorder used to bother me, but I basically don’t care anymore so long as I get what I need (as if). However, unlike the mood-related brain cooties, the ADD Dx has 100% agreement from every single clinician. Not once or twice, but five times, and verified by computer-based testing. So that diagnosis is sticking. I wish the rest were as clear.
The bottom line is that with so much uncertainty, I’m really not comfortable with my blog tagline anymore – “Bipolar bird tells all” hardly seems to capture the crazy properly and I’m a stickler for truth in advertising. Plus it was never really that good of a tagline.
Which leads me to announce my first-ever blog contest: help me craft a new tagline! Your very own clever/snarky/witty words could grace the header on my successful, well written, attractive (smartypants crazy) blog!
The Rules
Other details:
I think I’ll take “Whistling Duck” as my next nom de plume.
Let the games begin!
24 Monday Jun 2013
Tags
anger, anxiety, Ativan, coping, depression, irritability, marriage, mood swings, rage, ruminating, spilled milk, temper tantrum
It happens regularly, maybe even cyclically.
It happens like this:
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Crying over spilled milk…again…
Yesterday, it was spilled (almond) milk. I was furious with myself because I’d attempted to pour the fresh almond milk from an overfull bowl into a Nalgene bottle even though I knew better, and I spilled it all over. When Mr. Chickadee tried to be nice and help, I attacked him for not having gotten through the massive stack of dishes to clean the one-quart Pyrex spout mixing bowl that I prefer for the task. You know, the one I didn’t bother to pull out and clean myself. When he offered some other solution, I sneered back with a sarcastic tone, “Oh yeah, because that will help so much.”
And then I realized what I was doing.
I apologized as fast as I could: I’m sorry, I’m just frustrated with myself for making a mess when I knew better. I didn’t mean to be mean. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
But it was too late.
“OK, I’m done.” He wiped his hands and left the kitchen, then took the dog and left the house. I did what one always does in these situations: finished putting away the almond milk, cleaned up my mess, and then went to bed to cry.
After half an hour, ruminating and crying and realizing full well that this was the wrong reaction and wouldn’t help anything, I got up and took an Ativan. By then, Mr. Chickadee had returned and resumed the dishes, so I went over and offered to help. No need, he said kindly, so I shuffled back to the couch and laid down again. By then the Ativan had chilled me out enough to stay calm and back away from that horrible downward spiral, but not enough to stop the “slow leak” tears. I felt utterly defeated.
When he finished the dishes, Mr. Chickadee sat down with me and we talked and I cried yet more, as we always do when one of these outbursts wears off enough so we can be civil. I apologized again and again, as though it would actually make a difference. I don’t intend to behave that way and I don’t want to be mean, but I don’t even realize I’m doing it until it’s done. When he reacts by leaving, though, my distress doubles and triples. Mr. Chickadee says it’s better for him to leave than act on his own anger at being unjustly attacked. I sadly agree.
So what do we do? Our coping mechanisms are at odds; we’re both trying not to hurt one another while protecting our own soft spots, but it never works. We do this dance over and over, but we never stop tripping each other. Mr. Chickadee said, it’s OK, we both know what’s going on and what we’re trying to accomplish here, we’re just not doing it well. We will find a way.
I’ll do my part by asking Hippie Dude for suggestions; that’s a good use for a therapist, right?
15 Friday Feb 2013
My post on Canvas about planning for mental health emergencies – a tough task, but worth the work. It pays off in serious props from your doctors when they see that you did your homework. 🙂
